Waxing Stories Go Bare Down THere

Bare Blog

An ongoing series of my adventures.

Smiling girl funny story Go Bare Down There

If You're Funny And You Know It

If you're funny in my chair or do something funny, oh hell yeah! I'm gonna tell it! But I will never use your name or reference anything about you that would allow someone to know who I was talking about. Like the nurse who was telling me about her patient that farted on her: we got to laughing so hard, she farted on me. Then we were hysterical!

Remember, your place for Body Waxing, Bikini Waxes and Brazilian Wax located at Go Bare Down There in Pensacola, FL.

4-Hour Appointment

One Tuesday I was really tightly booked, and my second client of the day called things to a halt: I had to postpone the entire day. Talk about stepping off into the deep end! Sister has PICA, a pelvic inflammatory disease that causes extreme hair growth. Shit! It took four hours to do what I normally do in 45 minutes. Added to that, my sister was a little on the plus size, (me too so I'm not being rude). Had to send all of my clients this message: Sorry, I can't do you today. Will text later. So if you ever get that message, you'll know that I am trying to swim in the deep end.

$5.00 Charge For Whining

I put a sign on the ceiling this week, It reads: $5 Extra Charge For Whining! It's not for everyone you see, just for those select few "Big Freaking Babies! Like the pilot that has come a few times. Dude, he had grabbed my arm to many times when he was here last time, he left bruises. Every time I pulled a strip, he came up off the table in V shape with only about an inch of his ass remaining on the table. He also stuck his tongue out to a point and literally touched his nose with it. Weird. He brought his wife, she never even reacted, it wasn't a big deal for her. He was just a "Big Freaking Baby!"

Yeah, "$5 extra charge for whining!" kinda says it all for you big babies. I have all kinds of whiners. Some roll all over the table like they are somehow going to escape, others writhe like they are being torn limb from limb. I have this one guy that is the biggest baby! After each pull he jumps up off the table.... Hops around some, grabs his nuts in one hand, and business in the other, pokes out his tongue in this weird way. Then laying down, as I get ready to pull the strip, he promises not to get off the table this time. He lies.

Bi-Fairy Dancer

I don't usually get a walk-in client, when I do it surprises me. Myself, I couldn't walk into a place and get a Brazilian, I'd have to seek advice from someone, I think its even stranger when its a man for a Manzillian. So I was surprises when a coworker tells me a guy is waiting out front. I had time, I jump in with both feet. First, "Dude" (we'll call him Dude) takes all his clothes off for a Manzillian, me: "You can leave your shirt on." Him: I'm more comfortable naked." "Alrighty then." After he is naked, (picture Nathan Lane in "The Birdcage." ) he does a lovely twirl, serious, a twirl. Full blown arms raised over his head, jazz hands. Hips rotating in a fairy dance interpretation. Its a mix of aww and amused stupor that covers my face, unable to blink. I wanted to roll with laughter. I felt it coming, big bell laugh, but no: I won't laugh in this guys face. I never want to hurt someone's feelings and I don't judge, really, but funny is funny. He lays down, we hang out while I wax his goodies. "What do you think?" He says.

"I'm sorry?" I query. I don't get what he's ashing, thought I I missed a step in the conversation. " You see naked men all the time, what do you think of my package?" Ah man.... I've heard this one a hundred times. What can I say? Really.... If you tell the truth and its not what someone wants to hear your screwed. It has been my experience that if I boast the ego, there is going to be wood. Not that I care one way or another I'm going to wax around it.

"I'm not up for playing that game. So do you have big plans for the weekend?" I ask, trying to change the subject."

"Do you do a lot of men?"

"Sure."

" Do you like it?"

" Its a great way to make a living, I think its funny," me.

"Funny?"

"Yes, I love this job and think it's funny that people actually pay me to have this much fun. It's great."

" Do you get many gay men? How about bi men? I'm bi, I would really love a new friend, do you have any clients you could introduce me to?"

"Yeah, no., I can't think of anyone," me.

We chat, he tells me that he likes guys a little fem. All the while, I feel him channeling Nathan Lanes part. He's funny, cute, teddy bear of a guy. Says he hopes his girlfriend likes the wax and by then its time to wax his hiney. I lift his leg back and he says: "Make sure your meticulous back there, I'm anal about anal."

I'm nearly hysterical. I've heard that one before but now it comes into a whole new light. In my head I'm thinking of that lunk alarm from Planet Fitness. A cacophonous alarm that forbids thought. "I like it li...." I play the "Lunk Alarm", loud and blaring in my head so I can't hear the rest. Lunk Alarm!!!! Please no more, I'm going to faint, trying so hard to hold my breath, not to laugh. Lunk Alarm blaring.

Luckily we're done. When I put the oil on at the end, its to remove the wax residue, not to rub you down.

"Ahhh.... Can I pay you to rub that for a few minutes?"

"Yeah, no, go to the Oriental Massage place down the street. I don't play that shit."

" Aww, don't get mad."

" I'm not mad, I just don't play that and its uncool for you even go there, its chauvinistic and dumb, but I'm good. I'm accustomed to dumbass." I say with a giggle.

He gets up, rubbing himself with the oil, obviously enjoying them slip and slide feeling. " Oh my, I know what I'm doing later," he says.

Me: " I guessed that."

"I can't wait," he says.

"Please leave the parking lot before you humor yourself," I laugh.

"Funny." He giggles.

And then his happy dance, again with the full out whole body, naked, mind you. Dancing like no one is watching, with all the grace and poise of Sir Elton John.

Not just a mini gesture of joy and happiness, but an explosion exuberant pleasure. It goes on for a half a minute, no shit. I rise to go to the sink, but he is using all of the room to perform. Right here, right now, a drag show doesn't fully explain it. Its a chubby 12 year old girl that just started jazz, tap and ballet and has composes her own movement of all three for her recital. Her mom and dad would be proud, after all, she's only been at it a couple weeks.

I'm in aww. I've never seen anything like it, right here in River city, with a capitol "C" that rhymes with crazy. I get a flash of is the musical "The Music Man."

He's humming a happy tune to himself, content and thrilled. He dresses.

"If you meet anyone you think might fit me, here's my card."

The prospect is pretty funny, I've never seen anyone like this, but I'm

definitely keeping the card, just in case.

Back to my first statement: walk-ins always surprise me.

Couples & Families

I have three great couple clients, one couple has just gotten engaged, I am so happy for them! Especially happy for her as he has the most beautiful penis I have ever seen. (The second most beautiful is this cute Marine (Ohh Rah!) that just moved out of town. Damn... he's so cute I'm going to miss seeing it, ah.. I mean him.)

Another couple is very experimental! They have an awesome sexual passion for each other and it's so nice to see that,they aren't bored. They want to try everything.... ride 'em reverse cowgirl!

Another couple brings their boy that's like 15 months. The first time his mommy cried out, he started hating me. Every time that he came in, I gave him the box of toys which he accepted with trepidation, but he still hated me, I made mommy cry. The last time that the couple came in, I gave him a tootsie pop. BAD idea, he loves me... but he wants one every time he comes in. It takes me about 20 minutes to clean up. Note to self, kids drool, A LOT! All over everything, the floor, sticky fingers touch the desk, AHHHHHGGGGGG.... but the kid loves me. Awwww.

Cute Freaks

I have a client that moved away and a couple months later contacted me via FaceBook and had this query: "I think I am a freak, all I can think about is being tied up during sex. I really want it but I must be some sort weirdo. What do you think?" Seriously, poor thing, to think she's all alone when it's so very common. So I did a Google search, found bdsm.com and a few others and sent her a link. Your not weird honey, I recently listed a bed frame on craigslist and the couple that picked it up commented to each other that they could tie each other to the bed frame. Just good fun. A week after I sent honey a link to bdsm.com (go ahead look at the site, no one is watching.) She sent a message says that she had found her place in the freaky world and was so happy to be there. Later, she asked if she could send a pic, of course I said. She sent me a pic of her in a "Japanese corset" rope tied around her chest and breast, hanging from the ceiling face up. Awww.... ain't she cute.

Now to another freaky girl...If you get a beauty license in Florida, the renewal test contains information for you to recognize abuse it also gives you a responsibility to report what you think of as abuse. This chick has bruises all over her legs, her butt, her arms. I ask her about them, she grins "I like it rough" damn girl! WOOHOO!

Flick The Bean

I have a client that I have known for years and years and she's getting a divorce. (pout) She's going back into the dating world, so she wants to step up her game. (Don't we all) In the course of me prattling on, I learn that at 45 years old, this sister has never "flicked the bean" (that's the term young people use for masturbating ). Never flicked the bean? are you crazy? you have this amazing toy that;s all yours and you don't even play with it... shame shame. I highly recommend that you get right on that, literally! If you haven't flicked it lately, get on it. How can anyone else please you if you can't or won't flick it?!?

Funny Shapes

I have a client that asked me if I can wax shapes into her pubic hair. Ok, I say, just bring a template. She did, it was a Star Trek symbol. Hysterical!

Funny Undies

I have an male client that likes to get a very creative for his appointments. He waits to visit until I have a funny undie month and then he goes all out. During the March of this year I had a funny undies for St. Patrick's Day. He came in with a rainbow drawn on his pubic area, a pot of gold and his penis was the shillelagh. When I had a funny undies last October, he came dressed in Superman underwear and was wearing his kid's Superman cape. No, that's all, for July 4th funny undie he wore flag undies, but he undressed to music, Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American." I was hysterical with laughter. I've been telling you my job is awesome fun.

Get Naked

It's pretty busy around here these days, giving plenty of material for our enjoyment. Like the girl that I told to drop her pants and jump on the bed, and instead of laying down she sat on the side facing me. I wasn't paying attention so when I turned around she was naked, sitting on the edge of the bed, 2 big, bright nipples in my face. All righty then. Note to self, don't tell them to jump on the bed. Jumping on the bed brings on a whole new measure of fun actually.

A couple of months ago I ordered a new bed. Nothing was wrong with the old bed except that the vinyl showed years of wear at the foot of the bed , where dirt was hard to get off. And to make matters worse, I had spilled acetone on it so a part of it looked clean. Also, after 15 or so years of pushing the table around the room, The new one, well it's hydrolic and it spins. So the new bed was sitting in the hall in a big box when my first client of the day, a women my size, maybe a tad larger (14-18 let's say) lays down and I'm so excited about my new chair that I say, "Awesome, I just got a new chair and I can't wait to use it!" Just then she put her hands on the arms of the chair to scoot herself higher up and broke the chair. The arms collapsed. You may notice that the new chair has no arms.

He Wears Pink Panties

I have this guy that comes in, looks like any normal construction worker type. Large build, roughed up hands, heavy steel-toe boots. He sits to take off his boots, stands, drops his trousers and there it is, a pretty pink thong. It's a women's thong, with hello Kitty on the front. Of course when he sees me looking at it he acts like it isn't a big deal, or extremely hilarious or anything like that. He doesn't say anything about it and he tells me about his job, his girlfriend, his life, but says nothing of the panties. When he puts them on, he snaps the t in the back out of his crack and hikes up his pants. Pays me and out he goes into the world to leave me wondering: was he out of clean laundry,does he like the butt floss, or does he just like to walk the fem side? You ask him on the job site tomorrow. Look around your job site and wonder...What's that guy doing in a pink thong?

Heavy Swinger

As always... if something funny happens in my room, I'm going to tell it. No one knows it's you, so just laugh along. This time, I chat about the freaks and geeks. I have said before, I have seen it all!

I have this guy, 400 pounds at least. He gets his junk waxed cause he's a swinger. What does he swing you ask? You got me. No idea.

Squeaks & Gas

Some clients grab my wrists, (sometimes leaving bruises) some cover their Bettie's with their hands in protection mode. Some say "wait... Wait, !" Wait for what? I have got shit to do, now move your hands and Let 'er Rip!

I had a client last week, cute women, lovely, very nice. As she's taking off her shoes she says "I squeak!" I think she's talking about farting so I am almost giddy, cause I have jokes for that. I think nothing of it of course, when you push someone's leg to their chest, you have to expect that there may be a little "pfht." It's like pushing the fart lever. I think it's funny, you find it embarrassing. Please, you haven't been embarrassed till you walk through Walmart with chocolate all over your face from a Starbucks . I walked around thinking that I must look really cute today, all these people are smiling at me. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my script and the clerk handed me a wet paper towel, I looked at her like she was crazy so she wiped my face with it. There was so much chocolate I was breathless with laughter. Yeah, I was cute, and that was embarrassing.

Your farts, just funny. Anyway, the client that squeaks: I pull off the wax and strip and she squeaks, through her throat. Hysterical... Not nearly as funny as passing gas, but 4 1/2 stars for originality.

The Other End of the Couch

A client told me the other day that after 30 years of marriage, she isn't happy and isn't wasting going to waste anymore time being unhappy. She said that she knew that she had to do something when she saw a Facebook post that likened when dogs and owners start to look alike to when husbands and wives start to look alike after years together. She said she was sitting on the couch, looking at her Facebook, saw that post, looked down at the other end of the couch and saw this man down on the other end, random hairs coming out of his ears and nose, eyebrows that grow longer and longer and what was up with that potbelly? She looked down at herself and said that's it, I gotta break free, we are both starting to look like our pug!

Waxing, Meet Crazy

Sometimes something really great happens. I gain a new best friend in 30 minutes. The most awesome thing about waxing ones intimates is that your Betty (or your James Bond 007) is naked and your raw. Meaning that when your ugly parts are naked you lose all you of the walls you normally put up. If we end up being able to share common ground, we bond. Where there is contact there is impact. We share moments... Also I love that we can talk about anything and we do.

Well there have been a couple of occasions that folks have told me things that I wish I didn't know. Seriously. A couple in particular and one a funny memory. A women and I get along really well while she's in the chair and invites me to coffee. Off we go to my favorite hamburger joint. 10 minutes into a 20 minute meal she tells me I have a very nice voice. I thank her for the compliment and move on in the conversation, another minute and she says I have beautiful skin. Another and she tells me how smart I am. It's then that I think weird... Shes very complimentary.

With that thought she grabbed my hand and asks me out. I'm stunned. I don't say anything . She goes nuts... Telling me how I lead her on, evoked feelings in her and then play hard to get. I am toying with her she says. I tell her: "Well, you'll never know now, you showed your crazy too soon." I am so funny.... My next client is here, another funny story... Next time.

We've Got A Moaner Here

Something else, the moaner. Funny as all giddy up. This pretty red headed girl comes for a wax, it's her first. I start applying wax, she moans. I start to rip it off, she moans deeper, arching her back. As I continue to rip,she continues to moan and arch, arch and moan. Then trowing her head from side to side. I laugh. She's like "What?" I say " Seriously?" and give her that head tilt thing that lets you know your being stupid cause you very well know what I am talking about. She keeps it up, I keep giggling. When I get through with her, I say "I bet your fun in bed." "Why would you say that? " Hysterical.

Worst Client Ever

Wow, still reeling from my last client, the worst ever. Her boyfriend brought her in, I had waxed him many times before and he's great. She on the other hand had to be reprimanded many times for profanity about the volume and content of her language. I don't care if you have potty mouth though if you are going to scream, you can't scream profanity. The entire salon heard her and tsk-tsked her as she walked out of the door. During her wax she almost power kneed me in the face three times, grabbed my wrist so hard it bruised and she had to be restrained by her boyfriend. I had to stand to wax her and I never do that. She wanted the wax, just had drama about the involved pain. I offered her a shot and she said no. However her boyfriend offered to buy her stuff for her trouble and I think she was just acting out trying to get more stuff. However, the very large tip he gave me for putting up with her I'm sure put a dent in her shopping trip. Another day, another screamer! till next time, wax on, wax off.